2018 will go down in my personal history as one of the most challenging years of my life, and in that I am grateful. If you are reading this you may know that 2018 was my 40th trip around the sun and the year I got diagnosed with what I am told is an incurable chronic disease. The irony right...
So why am I grateful? Well it is in the challenges of life that we learn the most about ourselves. Here are my top two major takeaways from 2018..
The first major lesson of 2018 was the power of words. The old saying "sticks and stones will break my bones but words can never hurt me" is about as far from the truth as possible. Words can hurt. Words are powerful. Words can instill fear. Words spoken can incite violence. Words written down can take us to other worlds. Words sang can make us feel.
For me the words I was presented with were Chronic and Disease. In my mind these two words had very specific meanings. When my doctor first used those words the fear I felt was overwhelming. This was prior to a full diagnosis. All I knew was that my doctor had told me I had a Chronic Lung Disease, which had caused "significant" damage to my lungs. Chronic, Disease, Significant, Damage... That conversation actually caused me to go numb. I could not comprehend what was happening. Standing outside my daughters school on the phone frozen in shock. Yet it was also words that brought me back out of that shock. Words from friends and family expressed with love. "You are strong", "You have got this", "This disease does not know who it is messing with", "We love you". I had to choose which words would be my reality. This was an important choice. How will I define myself? Which words will I continue to use? Words are powerful...
The second major lesson of 2018 was that there is strength in being vulnerable. Throughout this process I have chose to allow myself to feel how I feel. In the beginning I was sad, depressed and really on an emotional edge at all times. Next came the anger. "How could this happen to me!!" I would see people smoking and just get pissed!! "How dare they take their lungs for granted" Finally came the guilt. I would compare my struggles to others and shame myself for feeling how I felt.
I had to take in all the feelings. As hard as it was, I had to feel them. I had to embrace them. They were real. The idea that we can tuck them away is a myth. In my opinion you have to be vulnerable. You have to face them. You have to feel them. Otherwise you can never really move on.
I obviously would not wish a chronic disease on any person. Strangely enough in many ways I am grateful for mine. The lessons it has taught me are invaluable. Most people who know me would probably say that I have always been a strong person. However I never actually saw it when I looked in the mirror. I never really had to face anything. Do not get me wrong I have worked hard in life to get where I am. I just never had to face what was inside of me. I never had to fight me. This is what this disease has taught me most. I am stronger than the me I used to be.. For that I am grateful.